Using DBT Skills in Friendship Conflict

What is DBT?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based treatment approach originally developed by psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan. While DBT was first designed for individuals with borderline personality disorder, it has since been adapted to support people dealing with a wide range of emotional and interpersonal challenges.

According to the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, DBT combines cognitive-behavioral techniques with mindfulness, emphasizing the balance of acceptance and change. It includes four main skill areas:

• Mindfulness: Being present and nonjudgmental
• Distress Tolerance: Surviving crises without making things worse
• Emotion Regulation: Understanding and managing intense feelings
• Interpersonal Effectiveness: Navigating relationships with confidence and integrity

With these tools, it can be easier to stay calm and maintain composure when you might be dealing with difficult relationships or disagreement. Specifically, interpersonal effectiveness can equip you with tools to approach difficult conversations with the skills you need to stay true to yourself in the face of friend conflict, and come out with a positive outcome.

What are dialectics?

So what does “dialectics” mean in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? According to the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, “Dialectical means ‘the existence of opposites.’” When holding two opposite things at the same time– and understanding that both can be true, you use strategies to both accept and change your circumstance. For example: “I’m hurt by what my friend said, and I still care about them.”

Instead of getting stuck in “either/or” thinking (like “they’re a good friend or they’re a bad friend”), dialectical thinking helps us shift into a “both/and” mindset. This means recognizing your feelings without judgment—and using them as information, not fuel for conflict.

How Dialectics Fits Into DBT

DBT is based on the idea of balancing opposites: acceptance and change. In friendships, this balance is key. You can accept how you feel and choose to handle the situation skillfully. DBT teaches that we don’t have to avoid hard emotions or overreact—we can respond with intention.

The “dialectical” part of DBT shows up in every skill set. For example, we’re encouraged to balance self-respect with relationship goals, or emotion with logic. This flexible way of thinking helps you avoid extreme responses and approach your friends with both compassion and confidence.

How Can DBT Help in Conflict Resolution?

Conflict doesn’t have to mean disconnection. Research highlighted by the APA has shown that DBT skills help decrease emotional reactivity, increase communication clarity, and reduce relationship burnout— all important in friendships and relationships. When friends are dismissive, use hurtful language, or don’t “get” your experience, DBT gives you the tools to navigate the situation without losing yourself in the process.

DBT and Interpersonal Effectiveness

The interpersonal effectiveness skills taught in DBT focus on helping individuals ask for what they need, say no, and maintain self-respect while still fostering healthy relationships. These skills are especially important if you are experiencing friction with friends or family.

As Dr. Jordan Kugler, a DBT expert, says in our DBT Skills Course, “One of the primary goals of interpersonal effectiveness skills is to start to give you a little bit of scaffolding for how to effectively say no and how to clearly ask for something without invalidating your needs”. You don’t have to choose between being authentic and keeping your relationships intact. DBT teaches you how to do both.